My friend!! This got me so good. Thank you for writing this tender piece, with kindness and love for your younger self.
My "oh my god I'm aging" moment was a couple years ago when I re-watched Kiki's Delivery Service, my all-time #1 fav, for maybe the hundredth time. But this time was the first time I didn't see myself in Kiki. Instead I saw myself in Ursula, the artist living in the forest with the crows, and with Asono, the young woman running a bakery with her husband. I SOBBED, it was exactly the moment you describe. Like, oh shit, time is passing and I didn't notice it happening, and there's no way to go back. It's intensely bittersweet. To the point that it's become almost a new anxiety now, "what if I'm missing things that I'll wish I had appreciated more later, I need to squeeze every drop out of my life now, so I can look back and not feel sad." I know that's not a reasonable thing to hold myself too, but that's anxiety for you. I hope it's enough that when I have pockets of joy and sweetness in my day/week/year/life, I try to notice them for what they are, and I imagine my future self feeling gratitude and fondness for them as they're happening.
Love you, this was so wonderful! You're a fantastic writer for real.
Your “oh my god I’m aging” moment is honestly so real. I unfortunately didn’t have the pleasure of growing up with the Ghibli movies, but I did see Kiki‘s delivery service for the first time this past October… And I can imagine that feeling that you had because I also related more to the artist in the woods, and I could understand this exact transformation and how much it rocked your world.
I also think about trying to make sure that I notice and appreciate everything and getting overwhelmed when time really is fleeting (it always be like that), we definitely share that anxiety. But we also share the love for our journeys in healing and finding whimsy, and I love that about us💓
Wow, yeah. I resonated with all of this. Especially the parts about being self sufficient far too early and the complex feelings when you reflect on your childhood with the perspective of your adult self.
If we're lucky a lot of us get to the point of a type of acceptance where you think "that's not the childhood I would have chosen for myself, but I wouldn't change my present." that introduces some sunbeams on our past that make reflection a lot easier. I've been there.
If it's okay, I would like offer a slightly different perspective. I don't think one is better or worse and honestly, they can coexist, but I don't credit my tough upbringing with my good character or the life I have created.
People develop traits like resilience, adaptability and independence without being forced to too young.
*You* gave yourself an appreciation for clouds and snails. *You* developed the ability to recognize and choose a wonderful life partner. *You* have chosen the hard work of gratitude and loving yourself. Trauma only gives you trauma. You choose what do with it.
I hope that it doesn't come across as invalidating your current narrative and reflections on how your past has shaped you. By no means do I think appreciating the path you were set on puts you at odds with recognizing your own contribution. Reading that paragraph about what life has given you, I wanted to say Hey, *You* did that. and I hope you keep doing it. and I hope you keep sharing it. <3
I love this perspective… and I think it does coexist for me because by saying “it has given me etc” I think that I am just acknowledging that I’ve been through those things and because of that I’ve been able to grow and do these things. Me! I’ve done them! I’ve achieved these things and become this person! But those situations gave me these specific opportunities to grow, ya know?
Hey Syd! Sarah here (@YellowElevenPhoto on YT). I love this piece. It got me a little teary, if I’m honest. I can completely relate to the feelings of nostalgia for my younger years, awe (and sometimes mild horror) at how quickly they seemed to pass, and the desire to allow myself to not live life like I’m constantly in danger - that everything is not so urgent! I’m just coming out of 2 years of health difficulties and view these days when I wake up feeling healthy and capable so much more preciously than I ever did before.
I’m the mom of two boys, 6 and 8.5, and my oldest is the child we don’t have to worry about. I see a lot of myself in him. He and I are highly sensitive people. He is empathetic, loving and kind. But he is also self critical, holds himself to too high of a standard and is sometimes rigid in this thinking - all of which I can relate to. It is so hard trying to teach a little mind the things you’re still unlearning in yourself. I hope my efforts make a difference for him.
I am looking forward to reading more of your work! You are talented. Keep going!
Ngl, your comment just made ME teary. Thank you so much for your kind words, truly just made my day.
Your oldest sounds very similar to me, and I see by proxy also you. It’s hard to be that age and feel so intensely, with no true knowledge of how to handle it all - but I would bet that you’re doing an absolutely amazing job with them. You’re aware of these things in a way that maybe you and I didn’t have in our parent growing up (not to speak for you but… Maybe this does apply), and just that is enough to make at least some difference.
I’m so glad that your health is better, and that you’re able to start breathing a little easier and take things a little more slowly.
My friend!! This got me so good. Thank you for writing this tender piece, with kindness and love for your younger self.
My "oh my god I'm aging" moment was a couple years ago when I re-watched Kiki's Delivery Service, my all-time #1 fav, for maybe the hundredth time. But this time was the first time I didn't see myself in Kiki. Instead I saw myself in Ursula, the artist living in the forest with the crows, and with Asono, the young woman running a bakery with her husband. I SOBBED, it was exactly the moment you describe. Like, oh shit, time is passing and I didn't notice it happening, and there's no way to go back. It's intensely bittersweet. To the point that it's become almost a new anxiety now, "what if I'm missing things that I'll wish I had appreciated more later, I need to squeeze every drop out of my life now, so I can look back and not feel sad." I know that's not a reasonable thing to hold myself too, but that's anxiety for you. I hope it's enough that when I have pockets of joy and sweetness in my day/week/year/life, I try to notice them for what they are, and I imagine my future self feeling gratitude and fondness for them as they're happening.
Love you, this was so wonderful! You're a fantastic writer for real.
My how I love you!!!
Your “oh my god I’m aging” moment is honestly so real. I unfortunately didn’t have the pleasure of growing up with the Ghibli movies, but I did see Kiki‘s delivery service for the first time this past October… And I can imagine that feeling that you had because I also related more to the artist in the woods, and I could understand this exact transformation and how much it rocked your world.
I also think about trying to make sure that I notice and appreciate everything and getting overwhelmed when time really is fleeting (it always be like that), we definitely share that anxiety. But we also share the love for our journeys in healing and finding whimsy, and I love that about us💓
Wow, yeah. I resonated with all of this. Especially the parts about being self sufficient far too early and the complex feelings when you reflect on your childhood with the perspective of your adult self.
If we're lucky a lot of us get to the point of a type of acceptance where you think "that's not the childhood I would have chosen for myself, but I wouldn't change my present." that introduces some sunbeams on our past that make reflection a lot easier. I've been there.
If it's okay, I would like offer a slightly different perspective. I don't think one is better or worse and honestly, they can coexist, but I don't credit my tough upbringing with my good character or the life I have created.
People develop traits like resilience, adaptability and independence without being forced to too young.
*You* gave yourself an appreciation for clouds and snails. *You* developed the ability to recognize and choose a wonderful life partner. *You* have chosen the hard work of gratitude and loving yourself. Trauma only gives you trauma. You choose what do with it.
I hope that it doesn't come across as invalidating your current narrative and reflections on how your past has shaped you. By no means do I think appreciating the path you were set on puts you at odds with recognizing your own contribution. Reading that paragraph about what life has given you, I wanted to say Hey, *You* did that. and I hope you keep doing it. and I hope you keep sharing it. <3
I love this perspective… and I think it does coexist for me because by saying “it has given me etc” I think that I am just acknowledging that I’ve been through those things and because of that I’ve been able to grow and do these things. Me! I’ve done them! I’ve achieved these things and become this person! But those situations gave me these specific opportunities to grow, ya know?
💓💓💓
Hey Syd! Sarah here (@YellowElevenPhoto on YT). I love this piece. It got me a little teary, if I’m honest. I can completely relate to the feelings of nostalgia for my younger years, awe (and sometimes mild horror) at how quickly they seemed to pass, and the desire to allow myself to not live life like I’m constantly in danger - that everything is not so urgent! I’m just coming out of 2 years of health difficulties and view these days when I wake up feeling healthy and capable so much more preciously than I ever did before.
I’m the mom of two boys, 6 and 8.5, and my oldest is the child we don’t have to worry about. I see a lot of myself in him. He and I are highly sensitive people. He is empathetic, loving and kind. But he is also self critical, holds himself to too high of a standard and is sometimes rigid in this thinking - all of which I can relate to. It is so hard trying to teach a little mind the things you’re still unlearning in yourself. I hope my efforts make a difference for him.
I am looking forward to reading more of your work! You are talented. Keep going!
Ngl, your comment just made ME teary. Thank you so much for your kind words, truly just made my day.
Your oldest sounds very similar to me, and I see by proxy also you. It’s hard to be that age and feel so intensely, with no true knowledge of how to handle it all - but I would bet that you’re doing an absolutely amazing job with them. You’re aware of these things in a way that maybe you and I didn’t have in our parent growing up (not to speak for you but… Maybe this does apply), and just that is enough to make at least some difference.
I’m so glad that your health is better, and that you’re able to start breathing a little easier and take things a little more slowly.
Big breaths friend💓💓💓
Didn't expect my eyes to water. Great post.