The Torch.

On Stranger Things and Growing Up

I fear that I haven’t been the same since the season 5 finale of Stranger Things, and it’s not for the reason you might be thinking.

Yes, it is a franchise that I have loved being a fan of, and yes I have grown some major attachments to the characters and storyline, but it’s the way they chose to end season 5 that really really got to me…

(there are no major spoilers for Stranger Things in this post, you may read on with abandon <3)

…at the end of the final episode we get shots of the whole crew finishing up a final game of D&D. It’s very emotional and epic, ending with them closing and shelving their three-ring binders seemingly for the last time. One by one they walk up the basement stairs, leaving Mike to follow last. As he climbs the stairs, his little sister and her friends come racing down past him at the same time, taking over the D&D table in true younger sibling fashion. They’re shouting complaints but also excitement at playing this new game that most of them know nothing about, and the camera goes back to Mike watching them from the stairs, listening to their camaraderie.

It’s a phenomenal shot, and actually the thing I remember most about the final season. Yeah, even more than the battles of epic proportions and great character development and intense heartbreak… that one scene, the final 5 minutes of the entire show made such an impact on me that even months later I can’t stop thinking about it… and so here I am trying to work through these feelings (and forcing you to do so with me).

As we’re watching Mike look at the next generation of D&D players, we are reminded of so many things. The actors, and by proxy the characters, were so young when Stranger Things started - we all basically watched them grow up throughout the show. Seeing just how much they had grown up via the flashbacks we got to season 1 during this final season were almost jump scares. In The Shot, Mike is actively realizing the same thing, and the younger kids are completely oblivious to this different type of epic battle that is happening within Mike’s body right there on the stairs. We are watching him think back to who he was, confronting who he is now, and looking forward to where he’s headed all in a few seconds. Realizing in a single moment that it used to be them rushing down the stairs to set up the next campaign, but now they’re closing their binders and going off to college. His childhood is essentially…over.

I felt a similar internal epic battle not to long ago when in Barnes and Noble. I was browsing the shelves, as one does, when two young girls came sprinting around the corner, almost running into me and giggling looking for the YA Fantasy section. It was the first time in my adult life that I realized just how grown I really was. I stood there, smiling to myself, and almost breaking down in tears, watching their young enthusiasm.

I can still remember what it feels like to be that age. I can feel the carpet slapping the bottom of my shoes as I ran from the front of the bookstore to find my next read. My best friend’s breath so close behind me pushing me to run faster to win the race only we knew about. I could feel our shared excitement in my heart as it lifts and lifts and lifts until it comes bubbling out in laughter from being too hyped up on Dr. Pepper and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. We would run past other patrons in a way that probably was nothing less than chaotic, but to us was the only way to Be. I know the girls that ran past me didn’t even know that I was there, and I could literally see the ghost of my friend and I in their wake bolting to find the next Twilight book.

This little run-in obviously wasn’t a thing for anyone in the store other than me, and knowing that I was having this interior experience all alone furthered the mental-emotional deconstruction (so much so that I actually had to go check out and leave because I felt like I was crumbling on the spot).

I’m assuming you too have a very specific instance where you realized just how fast time has moved, and realize that all the adults who told you it would do exactly that when you were that age were so painfully right.

I want to say the growing up was hard, because it really was…but it also just happened. One day I was running through the bookstore looking for Twilight in those painful jelly shoes, and the next I’m in the same bookstore casually looking for a Booker Prize nominee in a sweater vest…

…and this time jump is dissociating when put into context with just how many years, how many birthdays I’ve had in between the time where I saw birthday parties as cool and fun to when I wanted to stop celebrating all together. They became embarrassing for me for a long time - sure, we can chalk it up to teenage angst and hormones, but I know that it goes deeper than that. Perhaps because most of the attention I got as a kid was due to me doing well in sports and school, but outside of that, I felt as though I was on my own. I was the “fiercely independent kid that never asked for help or direction”, so my parents “never had to worry about me”. However, we know these are learned behaviors. I was not magically self-sufficient, I learned to be, and so treading water for years made me a pretty good swimmer.

I, like many other people who experienced trauma at an early age, started to feel how heavy The Torch really was, much too soon - and though growing up fast isn’t something I’m proud of, I have been able to find an appreciation for my journey because what it has given me (not taken away). It has given me a life where I feel so deeply for those around me. It has given me a life with blue skies and fluffy clouds. It has given me a life with strong coffee in the mornings and sweet matcha in the afternoon. It has given me a life where I now know that it is a privilege to age, and birthdays are fun again. It has given me a life with a partner that I would do anything for, and he for me. It has given me a life where somehow I am still soft despite life’s hardness. It has given me a life where I can finally love myself. It has given me a life.

In that final scene, Mike is seemingly passing The Torch of not only D&D, but also the childhood that he is leaving to his younger sister and her friends to continue. However, I dont believe we ever leave our Torches behind, rather they flux and flow into who we are becoming; shaping each other - our lived experiences and where we are going. Growing up does not have to mean loosing our adventure and whimsy - we have the ability to hold on to it…we also have the ability to seek it out as an adult if we happened to forget it’s powers.

I have been learning how to look back at my younger self with love and understanding instead of regret - because I know she really, really needed (/needs) that. In doing this, I feel myself healing, and I feel that Torch burning brighter, and my magic returning. So, I for one plan on celebrating my birthday with the intensity of a child for the rest of my days, and spending my time doing the things that light my soul on fire. For me, this may mean running through the bookstore to find a new release (but with more comfortable shoes), writing in my WIP (and here on Substack - this has been so healing and powerful for me, thank you for reading), and also taking time to s l o w d o w n and play some video games just for fun (because not everything needs to be monetized).

Take a deep breath and internalize the mantra, “I am not late. I am exactly where I need to be. I have time.”

So, what about you?

thank you for being here.

---

Currently:

📖Reading: I just finished All Fours by Miranda July, and am now reading Katabasis by R.F. Kuang.

🎧Listening: Ought’s song Big Beautiful Blue Sky was on repeat when the weather was 60°F, but of course it’s now raining all week here. I rediscovered Passion Pit the other day, and it brought me back to middle school in a way that felt safe opposed to the feelings I normally get when thinking about that time of my life…so that was really nice.

🖋️Writing: my WIP dubbed Dead Spells.

🎮Gaming: Animal Crossing (Switch 2) and Call of Duty Cold War (xbox multiplayer ofc)

☁️Creating: I’m glazing the final pieces from my last ceramics class…maybe I’ll show them some time, I really love this practice.

💫Planning: A secret joint project with my husband, Caleb. We’re really excited about it, and hope to talk more about it later this month.