So this made me look up the etymology of ‘discipline.’ It’s originally Latin and we get other words like ‘disciple’ and ‘discernment’ from the same roots. I love the idea of soft discipline and the fluidity of practice. I think ‘discernment’ is so much more active feeling, where ‘discipline’ is rigid. And to be a disciple is to be a student. To me, that means deferring to a teachers instruction and being open to receive that instruction. Both require a bit of impromptu assessment of the situation at hand. To me that seems like your idea of soft discipline. Where regular discipline emphasizes denial and regulation, soft discipline sounds more like discerning, weighting what the moment needs, or listening—which does feel intuitively right to me. Great essay.
Your comment really made me think, and I love the idea of replacing the word discipline with discernment where it feels right to when looking at my own life, because I definitely have the same negative connotations with the word discipline that Sydney expressed in her essay. Thanks for sharing!
"We are restless to be doing what we love all the time, and in order to realistically do so…it has to be successful in that way." EXACTLYYYY like how do i do the things i love without monetizing them but then i don't have time for them cuz i do need money.. bruh it's hard!!
This December will be 10 years since I was employed. I quit my job in 2016 because I was pregnant and moving across country for my husband's new job. It would still be 2 more years until I was diagnosed with ADHD and I always struggled with work, not because I was lazy (although I often believed I must be because I didn't understand my own brain), but because it felt so structured and repetitive and creatively unfulfilling. I've been a photographer since I was 15, but during my working years that was a passionate side gig, and once I had my kids it remained a side gig to being a mom.
But after quitting my job and moving I found myself living the life I'd always wanted, with unending “freedom” (as in, not having a work schedule) and the financial backing of my husband's hard work. But motherhood, which was always the ultimate goal for me, turned out to be exponentially harder than I imagined and in many, many ways did NOT come naturally for me at all. An introvert through and through, I found myself with no time to charge my own batteries, and my entire life dedicated to others. When my boys were 1 and 4 I approached my husband with what felt like an uncomfortable and selfish request: I wanted to start going on solo trips. I was so afraid he’d think I didn’t love him or my kids, but the reality was I needed time to myself to BE myself. And for the next few years I took a couple of weekends a year to myself and it made a HUGE difference in my mental health. At first I got a lot of questionable feedback, mostly from people my parent’s age, about how strange this was; A happily married mother of two galavanting off to climb mountains and swim in lakes and take pictures of the Milky Way… ALONE. But then I started getting feedback from SO many women, mostly younger moms like myself, who told me they never even thought that was a possibility, and how they wish they could go do it too. My response was always, you can! We have to create a life that works for us.
My kids are now 9 and 6 and I am just now truly feeling like I fully have my footing, despite, of course, having loved them unconditionally since the moment I knew they existed. For the past 3 years I’ve been navigating some pretty intense health struggles that, amongst other factors, were largely exacerbated by stress. And all of this while literally living the life I dreamed of. My solo trips had to stop for now due to my health issues, and I’ve had to revamp what my life looks like all over again.
I write all of this to say, even when we get to the “goal” there are so many factors in life that affect how we experience it, and it can be quite shocking to arrive at the desired destination and find, it’s not what you imagined, or that things have changed. Maybe you have changed. I, too, get very curious about the people around me - strangers and friends alike - and wonder about their perceptions and worries and dreams and lived experiences. That can easily slip into comparison, when in reality, we have no idea what that person in the coffee shop will be going home to, or the responsibility they have tomorrow, or the worries trailing along in their brains while they paint. It’s maybe a bit cheesy, but life really IS all about the ride, about being flexible and giving ourselves grace when we need it, or a hard look in the mirror when we need that. I loved Caleb’s comment above about discernment and discipline - they each have their place.
Once again, this was a very relatable and thought-provoking piece of work, Sydney!
I am literally so proud of you for having that vulnerable conversation with your partner, and so so happy that they were open to it - and of course that it worked, i hope you're able to get back to your trips soon, friend!
i like how you said wondering about others' experiences and that slipping into comparison, because EXACTLY. comparing doesn't *have* to be negative, but it is a slippery slope.
i love being cheesy, and i couldn't agree more about it being all about the ride, its the truth!
I totally feel you on this. I also grew up playing school + travel basketball all year long, and I was always taught that discipline meant sacrifice and adherence to that sacrifice. It's exhausting and I think why I got so burnt out by the end of college. I stuck to discipline too much whether it was sports, grades, jobs, etc. I love the idea of soft discipline - it gives so much more flexibility! Definitely something I'll be thinking on :)
I resonate wholeheartedly with this. Working two jobs, whilst going to grad school, and still trying to find pockets of time to just exist without expectations of productivity has been… impossible, actually. But, I’ve been on go-mode for so long that I haven’t taken the time to stop and think about how it’s okay to take a step back and put my wants and needs first. Maybe I don’t have to pick up shifts when I’m technically available to work, because taking care of myself via off-days and personal time with my partner is OKAY. It’s okay to want better, and being willing to work with yourself to find the balance is a beautiful thing. <3
no EXACTLY, friend!! it's more than okay to take time off, because those are the moments that fill your cup in a way that can *only* be filled by not working/grinding. i believe that taking days off also help you perform better or at least enjoy your work when you're on a little bit more than if you didn't take the day off.
i can't wait to hear what you did with your free day<3
my husband and I went down and visited my family for a couple days, and while we were there we visited a cutie lil queer bookstore! While I wouldn't call it "relaxing", it definitely filled up my cup in other ways, and I'm extremely grateful for the time spent together :')
I would apologize for writing an essay in your comments but if i was really sorry i wouldn't post it. 😬
the word discipline has gained an ugly connotation in recent years. it's very hustle culture, very discomfort is a requirement, very do or die. I think if I wanted to replace it, I would choose committed. Committed feels interior, I'm committed to xyz because I recognize it as something that brings me, as a whole person, value. Discipline feels exterior in the way you mentioned, where early exposure can be people expecting discipline from you, it's something to prove to others.
I also consider myself a creative. I've been writing fiction and nonfiction for as long as I can remember, on top of a love of reading. Whether is was in The Sims or with Barbie dolls or with a keyboard, I've always been telling stories. I've done every aspect of theatre, from performing to set design and props and staging (and of course, writing). I dabble in party planning and interior design and DIYs/upcycling. I know that its vital for my happiness that my creative output is prioritized.
That being said, I have zero desire to do any of those things full time or as a primary income.
I think often about all the people who have reached levels of success in their hobbies/passions/skills, where the income is reliable and it's now their career. All of those people find new hobbies/passions/skills. I think when you take an objective from a pursuit to an accomplishment, it changes something in your brain and in how you interact with it. And I think your brain will always want something to pursue.
When I think back to some of the creative outputs I'm most proud of, it's when restrictions were in place. I've made my best meals when I put off grocery shopping for one too many days, designed the best rooms and threw the best parties with lower budgets. I think * to a degree * limitations really foster creativity. And time restrictions can help you see what you actually value (as opposed to what you think you're supposed to prioritize and value). Of course, I'm only speaking to the value of restrictions and limitations in extracurriculars - not scarcity in your needs.
I don't say this to say that I think being a full time to creative is a bad thing or a bad goal. I think full time creatives make the world spin! Art is everything. And I'm incredibly lucky that my corporate job does scratch a different fulfillment itch that incorporates some creative-adjacent skills.
This restlessness that you speak of, it's very familiar to me and, for myself, I found it relating to misalignment, those times I wasn't prioritizing creative output or the correct type of creative output. Sometimes the question is 'how do i make more time' and sometimes its 'how do I best use my time'. It's the grass is greener of life as a whole - even if you have 24/7/365, there would be more things, more desire, than time. But again, that doesn't mean that an assessment of a need or desire for more free time, is in anyway wrong.
I'm so impressed by all that you manage to in creative spaces while working the intense career that you have. I don't know if you know how rare you level of presence in the spaces you create is. From my limited, and irrelevant , scope I 100% see you as someone who is very committed to your desires and goals and self. If that internal voice keeps telling you to burn it all down, I'll be the first to say hell yeah.
edit: i need you to know that i cackled when i saw how long this actually is when it posted. its actually an essay. I'm out of control, i will work on being better. the first line was supposed to be a joke not a prophecy.
i always look forward to your essays, comments, and essay comments, my dear friend🤭
i like your insight of misalignment, because truly it's the age ol' theory of even if you have 10 choices of paint color (per say), you'll never be truly happy because you'll always be thinking "i wonder what the other colors would look like".
i think burning it to the ground it dramatic on my end, but i do think that a smolder is happening at the very lease, and i think placing some limitations on myself will help me find what it is i want to prioritize based on what i value etc.
I am on a similar wavelength in this season! I want to create some structure in my life to make time for new projects, but don’t want to make my day so rigid that I hate living in it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts: they’re affirming my own determination to create a discipline that’s flexible.
So this made me look up the etymology of ‘discipline.’ It’s originally Latin and we get other words like ‘disciple’ and ‘discernment’ from the same roots. I love the idea of soft discipline and the fluidity of practice. I think ‘discernment’ is so much more active feeling, where ‘discipline’ is rigid. And to be a disciple is to be a student. To me, that means deferring to a teachers instruction and being open to receive that instruction. Both require a bit of impromptu assessment of the situation at hand. To me that seems like your idea of soft discipline. Where regular discipline emphasizes denial and regulation, soft discipline sounds more like discerning, weighting what the moment needs, or listening—which does feel intuitively right to me. Great essay.
Your comment really made me think, and I love the idea of replacing the word discipline with discernment where it feels right to when looking at my own life, because I definitely have the same negative connotations with the word discipline that Sydney expressed in her essay. Thanks for sharing!
"We are restless to be doing what we love all the time, and in order to realistically do so…it has to be successful in that way." EXACTLYYYY like how do i do the things i love without monetizing them but then i don't have time for them cuz i do need money.. bruh it's hard!!
This December will be 10 years since I was employed. I quit my job in 2016 because I was pregnant and moving across country for my husband's new job. It would still be 2 more years until I was diagnosed with ADHD and I always struggled with work, not because I was lazy (although I often believed I must be because I didn't understand my own brain), but because it felt so structured and repetitive and creatively unfulfilling. I've been a photographer since I was 15, but during my working years that was a passionate side gig, and once I had my kids it remained a side gig to being a mom.
But after quitting my job and moving I found myself living the life I'd always wanted, with unending “freedom” (as in, not having a work schedule) and the financial backing of my husband's hard work. But motherhood, which was always the ultimate goal for me, turned out to be exponentially harder than I imagined and in many, many ways did NOT come naturally for me at all. An introvert through and through, I found myself with no time to charge my own batteries, and my entire life dedicated to others. When my boys were 1 and 4 I approached my husband with what felt like an uncomfortable and selfish request: I wanted to start going on solo trips. I was so afraid he’d think I didn’t love him or my kids, but the reality was I needed time to myself to BE myself. And for the next few years I took a couple of weekends a year to myself and it made a HUGE difference in my mental health. At first I got a lot of questionable feedback, mostly from people my parent’s age, about how strange this was; A happily married mother of two galavanting off to climb mountains and swim in lakes and take pictures of the Milky Way… ALONE. But then I started getting feedback from SO many women, mostly younger moms like myself, who told me they never even thought that was a possibility, and how they wish they could go do it too. My response was always, you can! We have to create a life that works for us.
My kids are now 9 and 6 and I am just now truly feeling like I fully have my footing, despite, of course, having loved them unconditionally since the moment I knew they existed. For the past 3 years I’ve been navigating some pretty intense health struggles that, amongst other factors, were largely exacerbated by stress. And all of this while literally living the life I dreamed of. My solo trips had to stop for now due to my health issues, and I’ve had to revamp what my life looks like all over again.
I write all of this to say, even when we get to the “goal” there are so many factors in life that affect how we experience it, and it can be quite shocking to arrive at the desired destination and find, it’s not what you imagined, or that things have changed. Maybe you have changed. I, too, get very curious about the people around me - strangers and friends alike - and wonder about their perceptions and worries and dreams and lived experiences. That can easily slip into comparison, when in reality, we have no idea what that person in the coffee shop will be going home to, or the responsibility they have tomorrow, or the worries trailing along in their brains while they paint. It’s maybe a bit cheesy, but life really IS all about the ride, about being flexible and giving ourselves grace when we need it, or a hard look in the mirror when we need that. I loved Caleb’s comment above about discernment and discipline - they each have their place.
Once again, this was a very relatable and thought-provoking piece of work, Sydney!
I am literally so proud of you for having that vulnerable conversation with your partner, and so so happy that they were open to it - and of course that it worked, i hope you're able to get back to your trips soon, friend!
i like how you said wondering about others' experiences and that slipping into comparison, because EXACTLY. comparing doesn't *have* to be negative, but it is a slippery slope.
i love being cheesy, and i couldn't agree more about it being all about the ride, its the truth!
<3
I love this so so so so so so much. Thank you for writing this, I feel so seen. Your words are such a treasure!
YOU are a treasure, my friend🥹💓
I totally feel you on this. I also grew up playing school + travel basketball all year long, and I was always taught that discipline meant sacrifice and adherence to that sacrifice. It's exhausting and I think why I got so burnt out by the end of college. I stuck to discipline too much whether it was sports, grades, jobs, etc. I love the idea of soft discipline - it gives so much more flexibility! Definitely something I'll be thinking on :)
I resonate wholeheartedly with this. Working two jobs, whilst going to grad school, and still trying to find pockets of time to just exist without expectations of productivity has been… impossible, actually. But, I’ve been on go-mode for so long that I haven’t taken the time to stop and think about how it’s okay to take a step back and put my wants and needs first. Maybe I don’t have to pick up shifts when I’m technically available to work, because taking care of myself via off-days and personal time with my partner is OKAY. It’s okay to want better, and being willing to work with yourself to find the balance is a beautiful thing. <3
no EXACTLY, friend!! it's more than okay to take time off, because those are the moments that fill your cup in a way that can *only* be filled by not working/grinding. i believe that taking days off also help you perform better or at least enjoy your work when you're on a little bit more than if you didn't take the day off.
i can't wait to hear what you did with your free day<3
Here's my off-day follow-up:
my husband and I went down and visited my family for a couple days, and while we were there we visited a cutie lil queer bookstore! While I wouldn't call it "relaxing", it definitely filled up my cup in other ways, and I'm extremely grateful for the time spent together :')
I would apologize for writing an essay in your comments but if i was really sorry i wouldn't post it. 😬
the word discipline has gained an ugly connotation in recent years. it's very hustle culture, very discomfort is a requirement, very do or die. I think if I wanted to replace it, I would choose committed. Committed feels interior, I'm committed to xyz because I recognize it as something that brings me, as a whole person, value. Discipline feels exterior in the way you mentioned, where early exposure can be people expecting discipline from you, it's something to prove to others.
I also consider myself a creative. I've been writing fiction and nonfiction for as long as I can remember, on top of a love of reading. Whether is was in The Sims or with Barbie dolls or with a keyboard, I've always been telling stories. I've done every aspect of theatre, from performing to set design and props and staging (and of course, writing). I dabble in party planning and interior design and DIYs/upcycling. I know that its vital for my happiness that my creative output is prioritized.
That being said, I have zero desire to do any of those things full time or as a primary income.
I think often about all the people who have reached levels of success in their hobbies/passions/skills, where the income is reliable and it's now their career. All of those people find new hobbies/passions/skills. I think when you take an objective from a pursuit to an accomplishment, it changes something in your brain and in how you interact with it. And I think your brain will always want something to pursue.
When I think back to some of the creative outputs I'm most proud of, it's when restrictions were in place. I've made my best meals when I put off grocery shopping for one too many days, designed the best rooms and threw the best parties with lower budgets. I think * to a degree * limitations really foster creativity. And time restrictions can help you see what you actually value (as opposed to what you think you're supposed to prioritize and value). Of course, I'm only speaking to the value of restrictions and limitations in extracurriculars - not scarcity in your needs.
I don't say this to say that I think being a full time to creative is a bad thing or a bad goal. I think full time creatives make the world spin! Art is everything. And I'm incredibly lucky that my corporate job does scratch a different fulfillment itch that incorporates some creative-adjacent skills.
This restlessness that you speak of, it's very familiar to me and, for myself, I found it relating to misalignment, those times I wasn't prioritizing creative output or the correct type of creative output. Sometimes the question is 'how do i make more time' and sometimes its 'how do I best use my time'. It's the grass is greener of life as a whole - even if you have 24/7/365, there would be more things, more desire, than time. But again, that doesn't mean that an assessment of a need or desire for more free time, is in anyway wrong.
I'm so impressed by all that you manage to in creative spaces while working the intense career that you have. I don't know if you know how rare you level of presence in the spaces you create is. From my limited, and irrelevant , scope I 100% see you as someone who is very committed to your desires and goals and self. If that internal voice keeps telling you to burn it all down, I'll be the first to say hell yeah.
edit: i need you to know that i cackled when i saw how long this actually is when it posted. its actually an essay. I'm out of control, i will work on being better. the first line was supposed to be a joke not a prophecy.
i always look forward to your essays, comments, and essay comments, my dear friend🤭
i like your insight of misalignment, because truly it's the age ol' theory of even if you have 10 choices of paint color (per say), you'll never be truly happy because you'll always be thinking "i wonder what the other colors would look like".
i think burning it to the ground it dramatic on my end, but i do think that a smolder is happening at the very lease, and i think placing some limitations on myself will help me find what it is i want to prioritize based on what i value etc.
ily friend<3
I am on a similar wavelength in this season! I want to create some structure in my life to make time for new projects, but don’t want to make my day so rigid that I hate living in it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts: they’re affirming my own determination to create a discipline that’s flexible.
with trial and error, we can do it!<3